One of the things I have come to find I dislike about fasting is how predictable it is. There is nothing surprising in it. Those who fast a lot talk about how it causes your emotions to all come to the surface, so the thoughts you would normally suppress come full blown. The thoughts that would normally just think, come out as words and the thoughts and words that would normally just end there, come out as actions. I would like to think I was different, but really, no. Everything seems to come to the surface and yes, it is only day 8, over the next days I have no idea what is going to happen, what mess is going to come out. Because the truth is there is a lot of anger buried in me, a lot of condescending thoughts, a lot of filth, a whole lot of real honest human mess....
And it is not just the harsh emotions that come out, it is not just the sort of human relation mess that surfaces, it is all my emotions. Fasting shows no partiality. So now I find myself a mess of tears and realizing that I am not really good at this, I am not particularly ready for any of this. I think when it comes right down to it this whole fasting thing just digs up all my fears, my inadequacies, the fast that I might not love God enough, or be trendy enough, or smart enough, or passionate enough or spiritual enough, or motivated enough or whatever enough to actually fit in here. Maybe I love the world too much, maybe I want to have a wife too much or kids too much or to matter too much. Maybe I am not cut out for hiddenness or tenderness or the fasted lifestyle.
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